Cutting-edge science about Portland’s favorite house plant, from 1940.
As Oregon prepares for yet another ballot initiative to legalize recreational “marihuana” and the rest of the country teeters on the edge of “Reeferdom,” about to light up and/or munch on yummy green treats, a quick history lesson from a wise-old, and now most likely dead, expert from the 1940s, may give you pause to think. Or laugh when you’re stoned. Either way works.
“Marihuana” facts from the past:
a) It can Release murder from (your) heart. *
Thought you were uninhibited the last time you smoked and saw that awesome show at the Gorge? Did you realize you were a toke away from killing that cute hippie-couple dancing next to you? Yikes!
b) A musician well up on his reefer can rattle the ivories a lot more rapidly than his more normal counterpart — nothing mentioned of his accuracy. *
This explains a lot about why your neighbors’ jam session was really just an impressive hour-long attempt at tuning guitars to a MIDI beat. Wait, or was that your band?
c) Time and space are both expanded. A second is a minute, a minute an hour. A step is half a block, a block a mile. *
Just imagine how long your annual Back to Future trilogy would…or wait, could take. Or maybe a quick fix to expand unemployment benefits now that your extensions are up in smoke?
d). It eats away at moral fiber. *
Your vegan/acupuncturist/sex-partner-that-one-weird-time is always telling you you aren’t getting enough fiber and you’re too nice. What an easy way to kill two peace doves with one stone.
e). The young motorist well up on reefers sees a pedestrian fifty feet away and directly in his path, but the pedestrian appears to be a mile away. *
In all seriousness, maybe you shouldn’t drive. Or, at the very least, consider getting Lasik before hot-boxing your VW on the way to the climbing gym. That surgery is only about a thousand bucks an eye these days. Wink, wink!
* Italicized text is from an article in an old newspaper from 1940 I found beneath the floor of my attic.