Time After Time After Teddy

Our President Teddy time capsule Flashback last week prompted an unprecedented outpouring of shock and disbelief.

Not really.

However (here comes the truth), during our research about that compelling historical story, we discovered that Pioneer Courthouse Square, Inc. is in the process of creating a brand spanking new time capsule, which will be opened on the Square’s 50th Anniversary in 2034.

On their website, Pioneer Courthouse Square asks:
“Do you have an idea of what represents Portland today?”

We posed the above question to the creator of Flashback, RM Parish.

RM’s time capsule ideas:

One uncashed, unemployment check
An ironic receipt of Portland’s once rapidly turning over service industry of overeducated and privileged velodromers. Citizens 20 years from now will scoff at this historic artifact of a time where people got paid for not working, while subsisting on organic food stamp soup garnished with worthless masters’ diplomas.

One can of skunked PBR
Hipster Gatorade may you rest in peace. In two decades, it’s quite possible that this Portland staple won’t be available after everyone finally catches on to the fact that it’s full of high fructose corn syrup, which by the way will be banned in the future for causing pretty much every kind of cancer.


One pair of tight jeans
If you caught Spike Jonze’s last film Her, the world’s first clean and hopeful depiction of LA in the future, you know that in the future all pants will thankfully be normal sized again, even extended to cover up love handles and third nipples. These leftover PDX pants will remind of a time when people cased their hair sausages in painted-on jeans, cuffed chain-side to further constrict their tattooed calf to avoid the greasy jaws of their single speed.


10 pounds of Goodwill bin clothing
Just ‘cause it would be awesome to see if bed bugs can live that long in a time capsule.

Voodoo baker’s dozen
The time capsule crowd will cheer when they sample these and realize that they are just as good as the $5 day-old bucket Voodoo once sold to feed the homeless back when there was a homeless issue in Portland.

Voodoo Woman

Of course, RM’s list made us wonder if you, our vast on-line audience, have any suggestions to pass along. If so, please share here.

Pioneer Courthouse Square, Inc. is accepting time capsule submissions until December 31, 2014. The items selected by will be buried in a new time capsule (which we hope will be easy to find) on April 6, 2015 – the Square’s 31st birthday.

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